I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
