put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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