break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
How external is "for external use only"?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
