new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
