I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
