I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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