She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
