Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Randomize
