So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
