Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
