just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
