i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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