I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
