this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
