11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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