i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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