He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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