whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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