It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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