3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Randomize
