i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
