Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
