Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
