East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
