Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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