You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
