apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
