the condom got lost in my hair
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize