I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
