My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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