My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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