whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
