Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
