next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I think we might need a safe word for this...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
