Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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