he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
