i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
