ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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