Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize