her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
