i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
