Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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