i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
