i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My dick has a subreddit
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
