You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
