You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
