There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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