So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
