3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
