Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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