when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
