I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
