Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
