uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
