GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize