I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
