i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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