Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
