When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
