I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
