Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
