I love black thongs
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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