i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
